This weekend I am heading to Florida! woo! SPRING BREAK… in October…. I don’t know, my life is backwards. Point is, I’m going down Sowf of dem dere Unitered States. Yeehaw? I don’t know what they say in Florida aside from lots of “Yes, ma’am!”
However, I suppose Florida has bit of a bad reputation in the media. It seems like they invent new ways to die every few weeks. There’s even a category on a website of ‘Unusual Deaths’ dedicated entirely to Florida. In case you’re curious.
Still, Florida is not entirely about murdering people because they farted in your face. Seriously, I could just write an entire post about weird things that happen in Florida. There’s more to it, though. HEY, TOURISTS! I’m looking you in the eye and swearing that that’s not all that goes on in our beautiful Southern state.
Did you know that Florida is the largest producer of watermelons in the
country. It also produces the most tomatoes, strawberries and sugar? Yeah, I didn’t know that, either. Things are starting to look up! Mechanical refrigeration was invented in Florida, too! So, you know, your food is cold because of Florida. Am I selling it well?
For real, though, Florida is totally cool in its own very special way. For one, we can’t forget the beaches. Key West, Daytona, Clearwater… just a few of the country’s most impressive sandy spots. Which, fortunately, is also accompanied by lots of lovely weather. Sure, it rains a lot, but that just keeps things from getting dull. Can’t be 80 and 90 degrees all year long! Most of your visit will be full o’ sunshine, flip flops, and sunscreen. Which also means seafood (if you’re into that), boating, and pretty photos. Everyone loves pretty photos for social media!
If you’re not really a beach bum, there’s always the incomparable Disney World, as well as Universal Studios, Busch Gardens, and Lego Land! I mean, you’ve got a park for every childhood fantasy. Or, just simplify and stick to one of the many hiking trails and parks. When I used to go to Florida, I would (and still do) run around the palm trees and chase the little lizards. They’re so cute and offer parents an opportunity to teach their kids stuff. Whatever it is parents teach their kids. If you or your kids or the mailman you brought on vacation with you love animals and nature, there’s a big variety of water, land, and sky creatures that you may never see at home.
If it’s all about the adult action for you, well, forget everything I just said and just know that there are plenty of clubs, bars, fancy restaurants, snazzy tours, and spas. They’ve got you covered. Click those links to find lists of the best in Florida.
BUUUUT… since I’m not sponsored by Disney or Florida vacations dot blah blah, I will tell you the negatives. It’s FLORIDA! Mosquitoes, crazy people, and alligators everywhere, tourists wearing Mickey ears, old people dying all over the place, humidity ruining everything you once loved about yourself, and the real life possibility of Sharknado. It could happen, and if it does, Florida is getting it first and worst. Plus, hey, don’t forget that George Zimmerman lives there. You could get shot.
If you’re into hurricanes and sinkholes, maybe Florida is in fact that adventure you’ve been looking for all your life! Maybe uncertain death and the sound of unidentified people or creatures crawling around your home at night appeal to you. I don’t know. Whatever happens, if you visit Florida, remember, you’re the one who was jumping up and down, singing, “It’s a small world AFTER ALL!!!!”
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