Valentine’s Day 2016- were you there? I was. Not even joking, I was SO there! You don’t even know! Why would you, after all?

For my Valen-FRIEND’s Day (see what I did there?) I had a friend come over. He brought me stuff and gifts. That’s why I have friends, because they bring me dolls and art and candy and flowers…. After he gave me the gifts I completely deserve, I was going to throw him out. Like, out in the cold and snow, because what else am I gonna do with him? But then he was all like, “Wait! How about we bake? We can bake!”

I don’t pass on opportunities to bake. We baked.

First we went to the cheap-o store to buy pans. Apparently, I’ve been making cupcakes and muffins without a muffin tin for ages! Well, I did have one, but I killed that sucker. It was burned and charred and crying before it even knew what happened to it. That’s how success happens. I also bought a springform pan. Not sure what one does with these, but they’re always in recipes and they look cool, so I paid the $7 to own one. No one can judge me now.

Then we went to the grocery store for vegan butter. The woman working there seemed to be yelling at me in some exotic Asian language. Then I was informed that she was very upset about the dead flowers in my hand. I tried to explain that my friend had been waiting in the cold for an hour (despite other evidence, this was not my fault) and in that time, the flowers froze and died a slow and painful death. This didn’t seem to calm the woman. I took my butta and ran.

Then, after my friend informed me that dollar store food is permissible, we went to “99 Cent Dream”, because if they’re charging you more, you’re being ripped off!

In my 99 cent dream, there is a huge box. It’s wrapped in gold wrapping paper without a crinkle, tear, or indent anywhere. On top there is a Royal Blue bow shimmering in the reflection of a perfect sunrise. I walk forward and pull the end of the ribbon. The bow and the packaging neatly unfold and fall to unveil the contents. It’s a tiny, dead turtle.

Apparently, dollar stores sell EVERYTHING! We just needed oil, coconut milk, and something else I can’t recall at the moment. The cupcake plan was on its way!

1 cup Whole wheat flour! Check.

1/2 Tablespoon apple cider vinegar! Check.

1/2 can Coconut milk! Check.

1 Banana! Check.

2 teaspoons Baking powder

Pinch salt

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 cup oil

3/4 tablespoon vanilla extract

3/4 cup alternative milk… or more champagne. Yesss!

Everything we need, plus red food dye for a real thrill!

Put all that stuff together in a bowl. Toss ‘er and turn ‘er!

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Blend, baby, blend! Or, should I say: Process, mama, PROCESS!

Yay! You made things that will possibly, maybe resemble cupcakes in the near future!

I put them in the oven at 365 for 10 minutes, but that wasn’t cutting it. My recipe was whack. I add 5 minutes for a total of *counts on fingers* 15 minutes! Bueno!

Now we have cupcakes, but what’s missing? Frosting! weeee!

My stupid recipe told me to combine 2 cups of sugar (that’s a lot of sugar), 1/2 cup butter (melted and cooled) and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract. I did this and added a little red dye. Not as much as in the cupcakes, so it would be more pink. The problem is, this combination was super liquidy, even after a couple hours in the fridge. Thus, I did what any smart cookie would do, and I added a cup of flour to thicken ‘er up. What do you know? It worked! Here you can kind of see which cupcake was the first attempt and which were made after adding flour:

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I didn’t want you to forget why we’re here, so I added a couple hearts. But, in case you’re blind, here’s the original photo:

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See gloopy gloppy back there? Yeah, he was the mistake child we never wanted. He’s a metaphor for the mistake you may make on Valentine’s Day. Remember! Always wear protection, kids.

We mixed, we floured, we frosted. The final step is…

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Sprinkled some coconut on top, poured more bubbly, and we had a downright jamboree!

Oddly enough, these cupcakes kind of tasted like corn muffins. I don’t know why. I simply don’t. Science. Still, they were tasty!

I give the recipe 6/10

I give MY version of the recipe 8.5/10

I give my Valentine’s Day 10/10

And that, my friends, is what matters…. The gifts.

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