Ikea see clearly now, the rain is gone

Ikea: eye-kee-ya

nounplural Ikeas
1. A Swedish word meaning to be lost; not found. Confused and scared. Excited but not knowing why.
2. Where you go to lose track of time and space. Another dimension. 
When I came to Ikea, my kid was an infant. When I left Ikea, my kid had hit puberty.
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So, I did it. I took the path of so many others who just wanted to furnish their new home for little money. Who wanted to say funny words that may or may not be real Swedish. To point at kid’s furniture and envy any person under 10 years old who can still use those things and not be labeled “the person who won’t grow up.” Finally, who wanted to eat some lingonberries and wonder, “Are these just cranberries with a cooler name?”
Maybe. Just maybe.
I went to Ikea. Now, let me set the scene for you. I enter Ikea, I smell $1 cinnamon buns.
Scene set.
It truly is a magical place. Don’t let anyone disenchant you or dissuade you from going if you haven’t gone in awhile. Bring someone responsible with you, though. Otherwise, you may decide you need a tree in your bathroom. Not that it’s such a terrible idea, but it’s MY idea. I don’t want anyone putting a tree in their bathroom. That’s my creative decision.
There’s not much more one can say about the Ikea experience. You have to be there to feel it and smell it and not realize how tired and hungry you are until you see the fifteenth sign for Swedish meatballs. Even a vegan begins to think, “Didn’t I love those meatballs when I was a kid? I mean, will a couple Swedish meatballs really hurt anyone?”
For the record, yes, even one ball of meat will hurt someone. But, hold up, get this: Ikea now has vegetable meatballs. Veg balls. Holla!
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They aren’t playing around! For $4.50 you get about 8 veggie balls, and what they call a cauliflower, sweet potato sauce alongside some mixed vegetables. Those Swedes know how to please. Oddly, the vegetable balls were the only sign without a calorie-count. I can only assume that means the vegetarian meal has no calories. It’s like when an item doesn’t have a price tag…. Obviously, it’s free. Everyone knows that.
So, being that $4.50 and no calories is my kinda scene, I got me some vegetable balls.
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Oh, yeah… and lingonberry juice. Wa-cha!
As you can see, there ain’t no cauliflower in this dish. There were chunks of sweet potato in that brown, lumpy thing, but that was more of a chili with kidney beans than a sauce. I’m not sure what happened there. However, the chili was much needed since the balls were kind of dry and lacking flavour. I won’t say they were bad, just not especially good. The mixed vegetables were, you know, mixed vegetables. They could have livened them up a bit, but they were just as they promised they would be. Vegetables mixed, not stirred. The juice was quite watered down, but I get that. Lingonberries don’t come cheap, as we all know.
Judging this meal was tough. On one hand, Ikea is amazing and having a whole cafeteria situation was dope. Yes, I said, “dope”. Thus, I want to give them a good grade for effort. On the other hand, this cafeteria was fully-equipped with chefs and all. At least, people wearing what I presume a chef wears. Therefore, there’s no reason for the food to be mediocre, even if it’s really a furniture store. I’m going to judge it like a restaurant for this reason, but do keep this reality in mind. At the end of the day, after 3 hours of furniture shopping, any food is good food.

 

Tune in next time when I review something else!

Rating: A strong 5/10 unicorn hugs

Check out things you’re not eating right now:

http://www.ikea.com

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